(n)ight

4/4

I want to go out tomorrow, I really do. I may go out, and get away from this depressing house, because we all know how much I hate being alone.

There's two ways I can be alone.

• Without company, psychically alone
• Emotionally solitary.

The latter is what I feel most of the time. Muth knows how dangerous feeling like this is for me. I wish everyone else did too.

I hate leaving the house, but i hate staying home. It's depressing here. It's lonely.
I could never live alone, ever.

The fourth thing I want out of life, is to retire, and die in Scotland. Unfortunately, this won't be achieved if I'm living in Scotland alone.

(e)vening

3/4

For the most part, my feelings toward people are pretty neutral. Even if you've wronged me, and I don't talk to you, I won't dislike you, I'll simply lose respect for you, and see you simply as "no-one". In total, there are only five people I actually hate. My parents, my mothers husband, a girl I saw for a while, and an ex-girlfriend. Things with my views toward people have been crazy. There's a girl that I like, and then there's three other girls also. The three other girls, my feelings flicker for them. At times I like them, and at times I see them as really close friends. It's all pretty disorientating.
Fuck.
It's not the nicest thing to be going through.

The third thing I want out of life, is simplicity, where everything is care free.

(a)fternoon

2/4

If we did not have feelings, we would be robots. I do not think this is a good thing. We would live through an issue of commands, most likely, the same commands each day. Being human is horrible but other humans make it worth something. They interact with your feelings, make you someone, make you something. Emotions are bad, we know, but they are also good. They teach you about yourself, about the world, and about other people. It is because of feelings, that we are human.

Earth is constantly changing. Technology, medicine, politics, ideas. These things, that everyday people have no control over, and only the few do. The few people who control politics, medicine, media, technology, they also control us to an extent. They place the barriers on what we can do, when we can do it, where we can do it and how we can do it. Australia was originally a colony for British Prisoners, and now, to an extent, it's a prison to everyone. No one, anywhere can do exactly what they want, whenever, wherever and however they want to.
My second goal in life is to get absolute freedom.

(m)orning

This will be the first in a four part blog. This blog, and the following three, titled "(a)fternoon", "(e)vening" and "(n)ight" respectively will be based around my views on the world, my views on humanity, and my emotional state. If you don't like what you read, fuck off.

1/4

Last night (19/3/2010) opened my eyes to a lot of things. People live for dramatics, it's natural. People live in constant curiosity. People don't care about you, from the day you leave the womb, you are alone.

I live in constant pain, but I don't care. The pain is familiar, it is welcoming. It is well known, while I push away whatever happiness I feel, because it is new to me. Pain keeps me feeling human, and whilst it doesn't keep me happy, or anything like that, it gives me a sense of belonging, as I know there are other people in this world who feel like I feel. Who hurt like I hurt
If I can achieve anything in my life, I want to make at least one person stop hurting. If I can make one person stop hurting, I will have that sense of accomplishment, and I will die happy.

It seems as though I have my own emotions, as well as passive emotions. I feel my own feelings, but I feel those of others also. I'm usually cheery around friends, if they're cheery. If everyone's quiet, I'm sad. Most of the time though, I've got my own feelings. It's crazy.

Do I get Courtney Points for mentioning Courtney in a blog title?

Post #50.
I've come a long way.

FUCK, WHY IS THIS IN TIMES? I CHANGED IT TO FUCKING ARIAL, AND WHY IS IT SO BIG?
There we go.

Today is Monday. Monday is a bad day. Fortunately, today is a good Monday, as is every second Monday. Who doesn't like pay days?
I bought Horny Goat Weed tea, and more Chai Tea, and man, Horny Goat Weed tea is an amazing tasting aphrodisiac. I also bought a new shirt.

I basically gave up on my health essay. It's 800 words on something I don't really find interest in. Sure, Aboriginal Health is a pretty big issue, but it's not interesting. I wrote a paragraph about why I gave up, and my teacher was less than impressed.

Truth is, I can't think straight. My sleeping pattern is really crazy right now. I wouldn't be surprised if I don't get marked too well for this to be honest. As I mentioned at the start of the term, my psychological well being is the most important thing to me. I would prefer it if that wasn't the case, but unfortunately it has to be this way. If my psychological state was constantly like it is now, I'd be better off dropping out and finding a job. I'm looking to get help, and I'm hoping whoever I see will help out a bit. You can ask what's wrong if you really do care, or even if you're just curious, and I won't lie about it, but there's no guarantee that you'll get a straight answer either.

I hate that I can write so well in my blogs, but when it comes to school work, it's poor. Some things in school really interest me, like English or Psychology, but most bore me.

That's enough emotional shit.
Bleurgh.

Last time I wrote a blog, it was Thursday.
Let's go over Friday, and my weekend.

FRIDAY

Friday morning was horrid. I was angry. I was pissed off. I was steaming.
I stayed home from school, but Muth talked me into coming into town with him. We met at the, well I guess you could call it an intersection, of Gawler Place and Rundle Mall, where a busker had a large crowd. He was one of those stunt guys, who juggle well and tell jokes. Mostly Busker jokes are lame, but this guy was good. I gave him money, he was that good. Muth had a Rebel Sports gift card, so he bought lots of sweat bands, and a gridiron ball. We then proceeded to OZNET, a new internet cafe, alike to Rush and Hive, but OZNET wasn't all that great. Chris, Matt and Jeremy ended up coming down to OZNET for a while, and then we all left. Hannah and Ella came, and then Muth and Jeremy, and I think Matt did too left, and I was left with Chris, Hannah and Ella.
Cameron and Alec were out the front of HJ's, so I changed crowds. Cameron was bringing a group up to The Apartment, to watch the premiere of the final cut, of THE COUNCIL OF THE LORDS. No one took our heed, so Cameron and I left, to go meet up with Kirsten, and her friend, Courtney. They were drinking, and as a result, so was I. Cameron, being straight edge, was not drinking. We were in a park, somewhere in Victoria Square where there were street artists, and a shit auto-DJ. We sat around for a while, and I was relitivly quite, as I am round new people.Later on, we went walking, basically everywhere. We came back, after a while, and there was people scribbling, and as a result, Courtney and Kirsten got their breasts signed. This turned into a flurry of drawing on everyone, I drew the kanji for bear on Courtney's breast, and my arm, and somewhere on Kirsten I believe.
We then went walking. We never looked back. Courtney and I ended up walking holding hands, and this actually made me really happy. We went to the Apartment, got yelled at, saw TJ, went to see the Northern lights, drank more, and then, Cameron and I left, as the last bus was coming.
I slept at Camerons.
Night was good.

SATURDAY

Waking up at Camerons was lovely. We got some food, sat around and watched the final cut of THE COUNCIL OF THE LORDS. We then decided to watch a movie, so we decided on watching Gamer, some really weird movie based in the future, where video games are really serious. It was really trippy, and like an irl Counterstrike. I ended up going home, eventually, and I sat at home playing Wii. That night, I talked to Courtney on the telephone, from about 1am, to 5:30am. I had an amazing conversation, and then my sleeping pattern screwed up.

SUNDAY

Nothing of interest.

Love.

School.

Many students hate school, just because it is tedious, and just generally, school. That's no reason to hate school in my opinion.

I hate school, because it's an unhealthy enviroment for me. It's agonising, it's infuriating, and it's pointless. When I had my initial interview at Glenunga International High School, they wanted to put be back into year ten, and in reponce I assured them I would do work, and do it work. That was my intention, and that was my headspace at the time. Now I do little work, I procrastinate, and I get angry at the little things.
Sounds like last year actually.
Last year, at Underdale High School, I actually begged them to put be back into year nine, or hold me back at least. They ultimately refused, making me pretty angry. Now at GIHS, I've requested multiple times to go back into year ten, to better my chances, and to relieve me of lot of stress. They keep saying they'll have to talk about it. I wonder if they know how angry this makes me.
There's an interview Monday about it, I'm not going to school until then. I'm not going to waste my time.

Anger was an emotion I thought I left behind, and maybe I did leave it behind. Once again, I'm consumed by anger. Mentions of certain people's names are a instant trigger. School is enraging, as well as depressing, this is why school isn't a healthy enviroment for me.
The most important thing to me is my mental health, and psychological well being. I'm not going to put either at harm, even if it means puting my education at risk.

I feel nausious, I feel angry, and I feel tired.
I'm going back to sleep.

I trusted you,

I do wish I could visit places like this.

I do wish I could escape from this island.

I also love the photography of Emily Horne.

Find Emily Horne's photography at http://asofterworld.com/ and http://www.flickr.com/photos/febhorne/

Man, this weekend has been so epic. Seems like my weekends start shit and end on a high note.

Friday night was so bad. I was in town, and I was really really sad. I don't even know why, but I was anti-social, withdrawn, and upset. It only got worse when I bumped into Nadia. I don't even know why I got this way, it's probably just that I intended on fixing things with her, and every time I tried talking to her about it, it was as if she didn't care at all (one word answers, lack of interest, etc.), and this pissed me off so much. Then, when she was asking if I would be in town Friday night, when it seemed as though she were interested, I didn't care at all. Operation Avoid Nadia was going really well, until I withdrew myself, and she saw me. Chris, Matt, Joe, Ella & Emma were with me by this point, and I was talking to them about Operation Avoid Nadia and how it were succeeding so far, and then she comes past at the wrong time. Chris decides to yell at her, and I'm sitting there, laughing, but also what the fucking, and regretting what I said (which is rare since I hardly show regret). I then just left on my own, intending to go home. Instead I call Nadia, asking to see her. It may come as no surprise that she did not want to see me, but after saying she might, and then denying, that's what pissed me off the most. She then proceeded to say "You and your friends can fuck off." It's not that she told me to fuck off, because I get that all the time, but the fact that she told me friends to fuck off, that's what pissed me off the most. I will not tolerate someone who insults those who keep my misery at bay. If a friend, tells a friend to fuck off etc. I will favor the closer friend.

Nadia's a fucking idiot, I do not care. Fuck you.

I've learnt things from this, so it wasn't a few weeks wasted.

DON'T TRUST IDIOTS

After I left town, I was so fucking angry. I wanted to smash something, or someone. I don't know, but I needed to vent, or get out of the house, or something. My brother stayed the weekend, so that didn't help at all. I hinted to Muth, that I did not want to stay here tonight, and as Muth regularly does, he took the hint, and came to pick me up (as catching trains to Sailsbury after the sunset boasts one has a death wish). As soon as Muth arrived, my mood lifted. I was still sad, and I still had a bit of anger, but it was no where near as bad as before. We drove back to his place of residence, and I saw one of those horrible Save The Unborn election posters, and someone had stuck a sticker on it saying PRO CHOICE and I laughed a fair bit. Most of what we did for the night, as per usual, was watch something on the interwebs, and play games (I played Empire Earth II a fair bit). We also started planning a holiday to take place in the Mid Year/Semester Break Holidays, as a breather, and a relaxation getaway. the idea is Yorke Peninsula, at a shack down on Point Turton (if you have any inquiries, message me on Facebook or something). Eventually, we slept. The next morning, we did more planning, and even got an aproxamate price on one of the shack's we were quite interested in (http://www.takeabreak.com.au/PointTurton/YorkePeninsula/TIDAL-RETREAT-62.htm). Muth then drove us to McDonalds, as he had work, we had more chattin', and then I caught the train home. I saw Alistair in town, and it turns out he was catching my bus (well, I saw him at my bus stop, getting onto my bus, so, ._.) and we chatted and shit on the bus, and we even walked together in the rain, as he lives near school. 'twas nice.

Sunday and Monday, I might as well put into one paragraph, as I did late Friday night and Saturday.

The past 27 hours were devoted to the filming of the epic, COUNCIL OF THE LORDS, which was based on The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time.

Link (played by Cameron) was entrusted the Master Sword by the Council of the Lords (consisting of Patrick Eustace, Cedric, Patrick Waite, myself, and James Rudd), so Link can rid the Realm of Hyrule from the Great King of Evil. Link takes on this mighty task, and leaves to save Hyrule.

When leaving his home, Kokiri Forest, Link is stopped by childhood friend, Saria (played incredibly well by Stephanie Marlow). Saria gives Link her ocarina, and teaches him a song, as a memento to remember her by.

Link travels the plains of Hyrule for days on end, when, out of the woods, he sees the Great King of Evil (played by James Rudd), who flees, after dispatching his gaurd, The Bear Warlord, Kuma (you may have guessed, played by me). Link and Kuma engage in an epic fight, which two cows are the only witnesses to. It appears as though Kuma has the upper hand, relying greatly upon brute strength to dispatch Link, but Link uses this to his advantage, and dispatches Kuma swiftly, when he leaves himself open (;________;). Link looks up into the sky, after his first victory against a minion of The Great King of Evil (SCHOOL CUT END) and then runs into the wood after The Great King of Evil.

Link emerges from the wood, by a set of railway tracks. The area is dense with trees, and there is no way to tell where The Great King of Evil fled to, but then Link hears a sound coming from a tunnel to the North. Link goes into investigate. As it happens, the tunnel was empty, but even then, Link has his suspicions. He investigates the empty, dark tunnel, and then, The Great King of Evil in the middle of the tunnel. Link unsheathes the Master Sword, throws his scabbard down, and rushes at The Great King of Evil. The Great King of Evil readies a stance, revealing his talon, and he advances Link wish his staff in hand. Link tries using an aggressive assault, as Kuma did against Link. Link knocks The Great King of Evil's staff out of his hands, rendering him basically defenseless, aside from his talon. The Great King of Evil slashes at Link with his talon, and Link veers to the side, but does get three cuts on his cheek. Link takes a massive, vertical swing at The Great King of Evil, but The Great King of Evil catches the blade in midair, yanks it out of Link's hands, and tosses it to the side of the tunnel. Link then steps back, and remembers the ocarina given to him by Saria. He takes it out, and plays the song he was taught. The Great King of Evil covers his ears, and bellows screams of agony. Link takes this moment, to rush The Great King of Evil into a wall, and Link pummels him to death, with his own bare hands, covering him in blood in the process (YOUTUBE CUT END).

I don't think I've ever done anything this epic.

This is copyrighted and shit, so don't go thinking you can steal it and such. IDIOTS.

Recently, my attitude toward one of my close friends has changed. I haven't noticed it until now, and the fact that it's changed, pisses me off. Sure, he pisses me off a bit, but even then, he's still one of my closest friends. I probably get to aggitated by the fact that he's kind of seeing the girl I really like, and being a bit of a dick about it, and breaking the first rule, but, it's not my place to get involved. I think it's fucked to be honest.

I don't even want to like this girl so much, but fuck, I do anyway. This has all pissed me off so much, and there's not a lot I can do about it, if there's anything I can do at all.

I'm going to try installing Empire Earth II again.

Love.

Dear Vienna

I've had my cup of coffee, I have music, I have my glasses, and I also have my beanie.

It's time to write a blog.

Today (3/3/2010), was my day off from school. I took the day, to rest. Lately, as some would know, I've been pretty sad lately, and incredibly tense. Today, was spent watching Planetes, and as a result, it made me a little more sad, but also a little happier, it also helped me unwind.

It's a really nice anime, based in 2075/2076, when space debris, due to space station construction, and fuel tanks being jettisoned etc. has become a major problem. There's numerous teams of Debris Haulers, run by corporate companies, who go out and collect this space debris. Planetes follows the story of one of these teams, known as the Half Section. It's part Science Fiction, part drama, and part romance. It's really good, and I do recommend you check it out.

Lately, there's been a shit load going through my mind.

My feelings toward certain people, friendships which I've wrecked, things I've said, school.

It's all getting to me.

I'm sick of it.

I want out.

I want freedom.

I want, more than anything, simplicity.

I don't care.

Ask me anything.

I'll answer with complete honesty.