The last three letters.

I don't even have anything to write about, but, here's a blog.

The weekend has been great.
Saturday, was spent mostly with Muth. He was my chauffeur for the day! He drove me to the doctors so I could have blood taken, then to the uniform shop on Glen Osmand Road so I could buy my GIJHS uniform, then all the way to Officeworks so I could get my very few books, mountains of pads and display folders, and stationary. We then went to McDonalds, so we could get noms.
Chris wanted us to drive him to City Mazda, but he found another way of getting there (just as well, we didn't know how to get there from Magil Road), so instead we go to see if Debbie is home. She isn't. We then go to my house, unload everything, and listen to music, while we wait for a message from Debbie saying she's home. We proceed to the residence of Debbie, pick up Nick from around the corner, and head to Toms house. We arrive, but he's still on the way home from work, so we sit on the church steps and wait. We waited, and a wild Tom appeared! So we went into his domain. While with Tom, we sat, wore sombreos, ate, gamed, and lol'd. Tom lent me No More Heroes. Everyone besides Tom, soon headed home.

Shit, and I said a short blog.

Sunday, I attended a band meeting. It wasn't the full band, as Joey had other comitments, but it was fine none the less. We spent a fair ammount of time going through the newspaper and pointing out sexual innuendos. We then talked about band stuff.

I'm tired.
I won't finish this.

Love.

Rapid Hope Loss

I try on my blue shirt, she told me she liked it, once.

It's been a while since I've posted an actual blog. Lately, things have been weird. It hasn't been a period of good things, followed by a period of shit, in fact, it's been well mixed. Some days are good, and some days are really bad. Today, has been one of these really bad days. Not because of the return of school, that was just inevitable, but, today, I felt more alone than I have in a long time.

When I'm alone, I feel cold, scared, sad, among other feelings. When I'm alone, I hate it. I don't like being alone, pretty much, because of fear of myself.

I'm never really alone, but, there's the feeling. I hate the feeling, the illusion.

Now, I'll simply talk about my day.

My day at school. My first day as a year eleven. My first day in the senior school of Underdale High School. My first day in the Knowledge corridor. My first day for all these things, and I hated every second between 8:20am and 2:25pm. I actually hate Underdale High School, nearly as much as my mother, or that thing she calls a husband. The teachers lack feeling, the students lack heart. Through my eyes, all I sea is shells, of people who used to be.

Underdale High School, is not where you want to be.

So, I'm leaving.

I'm not sure if there's love here, at all anymore, so my usual sign-off is irrelevant.

Stripes

Angel: "You said, that we were two of a kind, didn't you?"

Roger: "That's right. I did. We had both decided we would choose our own destiny."

Angel: "Are we fighting on the same side?"

We see Roger's gloveless left hand, the fingers clenched. He replies, "Theoretically, each of us has to fight alone, but I think from time to time..." We see Angel's hand reach out and take his. They look at each other. She smiles almost shyly and asks, "Do you think our relationship is going to change?"

Roger looks at her searchingly, then his expression softens. His fingers close around her hand. The camera pulls back, and we see him hold her hand and turn her so that they are facing each other. He smiles and says, "It already has."

They move closer to each other, and Angel leans forward, pressing her face against his shoulder. He embraces her; they look up at each other as if they are about to kiss, but Roger hesitates.

My favourite ever blog.

The best blog, I have ever read, is from one of the thousands of MySpace accounts, made for Children of Bodom frontman, Alexi Laiho.

Title: blog
Date published: 26/6/2005
Content:
what the fuck is a blog

That's all it read.
That's why I love it.
I don't know.

I carried a matress with the aid of my grandfather, and a bed base with the aid of my aunt. I was left exhausted after the matress.
I hate glandular fever.

Nocturne of Shadow

If you don't know where the title is from, I simply don't know you.

But anyway.
The past few days have been dreadful. I've come down with a nasty cold, which is possibly influenza, or tonsilitis. Both of which, would hamper my plans for Thursday night.

Yesterday, I went to town, as I had to pick up a few things. I bought a new belt, as mine decided to fall apart, a new phone charger which isn't broken, but charges so slowly, a new auxillery cable, which wasn't frayed within the tubing, and the first Anime Classics DVD. I then went to go and wait for the bus, which was twenty minutes late, and for over twenty minutes, I was coughing up blood and phlegm. It didn't occour to me, that I was waiting for a bus, infront of a hospital, until I was on the bus.

I then got off the bus, two stops later than I usually do, as I needed to pick some things up from Burnside Village. I withdrew my board, plus the ten dollars I owed Grandma, and then I proceeded to the T-Bar. I got my usual green iced tea, with guava and strawberry, and then I went to Coles, seeing as I was going to Hive Thursday for the lock-in, weeks in planning, I had to stock up on caffeine and food. I bought four bottles of Red Tea, four cans of Guava Rockstar, a 1.5L bottle of water, and some noms. Now, since I'm probably not going, it's snacks and drinks whilst I recover, and dwell, even if I shouldn't have carbonated drinks.

Uh, doctors today. I need to get onto Chris about transport, otherwise, I'll have to catch a cab.

Uh, I have tea, and I feel like drinking it, asking grandma if there's any porridge, and listening to some Thursday.

Love.

Internet Tough Guys

Cyberspace is absolutely full of Internet Tough Guys, who've low self esteem, so they harrass people online. This is what teachers would call, CYBER BULLYING, and if a teacher calls it bullying, well, it's damn well bad.

For example, there's this one Internet Tough Guy, Marko Francisco, who will find tiny reasons to insult me. Today, it's Hannah Templeton's and Annabel Blazely's birthday (Happy Birthday guize :3), and as I dislike the standard happy birthday messages, I stretch out, and do something a bit different (congratulations on lasting # years on this planet, etc. etc.), Marko decided that this was laughable, so he decides to forward it to someone, calling me a homo in the process. Now, this is crazy, and pointless, and I don't understand what he gets out of it. A laugh maybe, but in the long run?

-_______-"

For Muth

I thought it'd be nice.

Here's to another battered year.

Dear anyone,

I dare you to get to know me. I dare you to get under my skin, inside me, and see the person I am. I dare you to lose faith in me.

Yours,
Justin.

xoxoxo <3 :)

My day,

Hey, listen.

Sure, it's none of my buisness, but it's causing me quite the temper. It's unfortunate how I found out, and just plain horrid that I foresaw it happening. It's beyond my control, and it's fucked how it's making me feel.

In conclusion, FUCK YOU.

Also, Tom bought me a nice shirt. I wear black people.

All the shame spills out of me,

Three things keep me smiling.

Music, video games, and friends.

Music, is my favourite form of art. It combines poetry, sound, and it's not a hard thing to do. It's so flexible, and can be used to tell so much more than a book, a painting or poetry is. Recently, I'm been listening to a fair bit of punk-pop, indie/acoustic, electronic, and believe it or not, Bring Me The Horizon.

Video games are my pixelated reality. It allows me to escape for hours on end, forgetting that anything is happening, and just delving deeper and deeper into the life of the game, and escaping the real world.

My friends, they're my everything. It's not just the fact that they're there for me, it's who they are, their personalities, their aura's, the feel about them. Without the people who are my closest friends, I'd be more of a wreck than I have been over the past two months.

Now, today, I worked something out. I'm a good person, who makes bad choices. It's as simple as that.
My new goal in life, as I have gained a temporary control on my emotional self, is to start making better choices, and become a good person, who makes the right choices.

That's enough discoveries for one night, time to eat.
Love.

Symptom Recital

I do not like my state of mind;
I'm bitter, querulous, unkind.
I hate my legs, I hate my hands,
I do not yearn for lovelier lands.
I dread the dawn's recurrent light;
I hate to go to bed at night.
I snoot at simple, earnest folk.
I cannot take the gentlest joke.
I find no peace in paint or type.
My world is but a lot of tripe.
I'm disillusioned, empty-breasted.
For what I think, I'd be arrested.
I am not sick, I am not well.
My quondam dreams are shot to hell.
My soul is crushed, my spirit sore;
I do not like me any more.
I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse.
I ponder on the narrow house.
I shudder at the thought of men....
I'm due to fall in love again.

-By Dorothy Parker

"Fireflies - Owl City" rewrite

THE DAN SONG - MR. CHRIS AND MRS. JUSTIN
(sung to the tune of Fireflies, obv.)

You would not believe your eyes,
If Chris was a kangaroo,
And he stroked his cock and covered you in goo,
And showed you his goatse too,
While you ready the lube,
Get a glove or a condom and slide it in!


I'd like to make myself believe,
That Chris is human,
It's hard to say I'm into beastiality,
Cause his big fat cock is better than it seems.

And I'll get a thousand fucks,
All up my goatse ass,
It would be nice and make me cream
A jar firmly up my crack,
Shit dripping down my back,
Some corpses too,
Cause I'm a necrophiliac.

I'd like to make myself believe,
That Justin's asshole's smelly.
I'd love it tickle his goatse and eat his poo nuggets too,
And then suck his dick and give it a chew

Leave my ass dripping just a bit, (please ejaculate in my ear)
I feel like Clare a little bit, (keep jizzing in my ear)
Taking this cock every day, (please eat me out, my dear)
But it's so nice, I'll go insane.

To ten million throbbing cocks,
I'm weird 'cause I swallowed the lot,
I got cum in my eye and had a cry
But I'll know where the condoms are,
'cause I don't want Claremydia,
so let's have wet sex in the back of your car.

I'd like to make myself eat dickcheese,
With sauce, yes, plenty,
I'm sorry to say that my period has stained all of your teeth,
But hey it's not as bad as Clare's feeeet

I'd like to make myself believe that Dan the Skinhead loved cock,
It's hard to say that he has a nice bum,
but I'll fuck him and cover him in cum.

Dan would like to have sex with your niece,
But he'd go to jail and lose his virginity,
It's hard to say that his bald bald head,
Would fit up my goatse,
But then he could be the jar that I need

I'd like to make myself some tea,
But your penis is in my hand,
It's silly of me to drop the pot and scald your knob,
But I'll just drink my tea.

It's either now, or fucking never.

Nothing says "peaceful" like some Bring Me The Horseshit (Bring Me The Horizon for you morons).

NOTE: This won't be a happy blog.

Well, by now, I'd assume I'd be feeling alot more like I was Monday night, and Tuesday. I asked Bethany, what had to be asked, and that was relieving, but now, I feel empty. I've begun moving on from Beth, which is good, I suppose, but it does leave me feeling unfamiliar.
Recently, it's been so depressing around me, that sadness has become familiar, and happiness is unknown to me.
When I did achieve happiness, it was brief. It felt strange, so I subconciously pushed it away, and I'm left with this cold misery inside, which is familiar.

This is not who I want to be.
Fix me.

Also, recently, I've been acting slightly negitive towards those whom I'm close to. I've been a prick, a bastard, a douche, and an arse, among many other things which I try not to be. I'm sorry, to those I might have hurt, or who've been effected by this recent turn of events. I'm also sorry, to myself. I've turned myself into what I try to stand up against.

One friend told me that the path I take to something doesn't matter, so long as I reach my goal. I disagree with this friend. In this case, she was refering to my goal of happiness. I care more about how I achieve it, than actually achieving it. I care about my actions toward people, and a majority of the time I'll be a positive toward you, but on the off-chance that I'm not, it's Demi-Justin, or you just deserve it. There are things I regret doing in my life, in my quest for happiness, but when I look back, they were for the better. Yes, even the Clare/Catherine period.

Relating, I'm coming to another period in my life, where people who are my friends stand out, and those who aren't, well, don't. This is where my real friends, not the people who claim to be, are there for me.

I'm hungry, and, honestly, I want to cry.
As much love as I can muster.
<33

The youthful boy that was.

If your name's Marko Francisco, don't read my blog. You don't like it, remember?

I thought I'd kill some time, and post a blog. Fortunately, this one won't be as depressive as most.

Last night I did it. It wasn't done how I wanted it to happen, but it was relieving none the less. I asked Bethany what changed with her and I, and I got an answer. Sure, it wasn't the answer I expected, but it is better than I expected. Even before I got an answer, I felt lighter, and happy when I got the answer. I smiled, and for the second time since the eighteenth, I've fallen asleep happy.
Thank you, Bethany Hatchard.

To other news!
Some people sicken me. Their confidence in themselves is laughable, and the way they abuse and manipulate those around them is disgusting. They say they've changed for the better, but either nothing has changed, and they've just delved deeper into these habits. Muth know's who I'm talking about. If she's reading this: "Fuck you. Get your slimey paws out of my life, and the lives of those I care for. You've always been a selfish little whore, and you always will be. If I had my way, I'd crush your face in the door."

I feel like tea, and I need to buy more cereal. I might call Patrick and see if he's going to town today.

Uh, what else is there?
Oh,
To those who have been there for me over the past few months, I owe you all so much. It's thanks to these people, that I still breathe, and haven't given up. Things have been rough, but things are looking up from here on!

n__________n

SO MUCH LOVE.
<3

Null.

I hate how I can post anything on here, even the things which I can't force myself to tell other people.

This blog, will have yet another introduction on myself. It's not the Justin who you all know. If I had it my way, no one would know he exists. It's Demi-Justin. Demi-Justin is inside of me, he is the rage, the depression, the bastard, and the real Justin. Demi-Justin remains hidden from the world, in fear of Justin losing those he loves, but, Demi-Justin isn't going to remain enclosed forever. Demi-Justin rushes through Justin, and controls his meatbag, and all emotion is let loose. Most commonly, this is alone, but recently, has been directed at loved ones.

Who recalls my blogs, "No, I Believe There's Nothing, Part I/II"? Well, if you don't, read up.
Done? Kay.
Today on the bus from town, I was thinking, what if Tegan and I never did resume speaking? Would things be different on this side of the state line? Would things be better or worse? Would Demi-Justin be more vocal, or more recluded?
I'm considering resuming this state of not talking with her, indefinately for her saftey. She says she loves me, but what she loves is the idea of Justin.

Still, I want to know what changed Bethany. Sure, it's been weak of me not to bring this up either of the times I've seen you since, or even with a call, text or on msn. You said you still wanted to be friends, this is the first hurdle.

Fucking hell.
There is no love here anymore.

The New Year

The new year, basically is just a change of date, and year level for those still in school. It means nothing otherwise. People have resolutions, something to achieve in the year coming, which is good, but why do you need the internet to motivate you? I've given myself three resolutions, two of which will be harder than one, and two of which are achievable, the other may take a bit more effort on my part.
#1- Get a haircut. I know I've been saying I'm getting one for a while now, but it's time to get one.
#2- View life in a different light. A few people understand my view on life, and the one I want to use. I want to live life, believing that everything bad which happens, has an equal positive effect in my life, and vice versa (as in everything which has happened with Bethany, break up wise, will turn into something good, in another form, or maybe everything whilst I was with Bethany, turned around and produced the break up, creating an equally powerful, opposite feeling. The Universe works in odd ways).
#3- Talk to Bethany. Yes, Bethany Hatchard. You. When you're back in this city, call me. I doubt you'll read this anyway.

Liquid confidence for the win! I love Markus and his Jager, and ofcourse my auntie for buying me the Jimmy.

My heart's about as much of a wreck as my liver right now. I hate myself, and how I just happen to have feelings for certain girls, I see everyonce in a while. It's fucked. I hate it.

Enough loathing, k?

New Years Eve was so good.
The plan was to drink, and the plan succeded. I met Shauna in town in the afternoon, to drink, and I bought Jim Beam especially. We bought coke and plastic martini cups for the occasion. So hot under the Sex Tree, bus so much fun. I love you Phillip!
We then met with Tom, who sat with Shauna and I whilst some drunk man with car seat covers talked to us. We then used out cunning wits to get out of the situation, where we went to meet Debbie, Kieran and Markus. We then decided to be SUPER NICE and walk Shauna to the bus stop, because she was tipsy, and she's silly, and because I love her etc., but ofcourse, we missed our bus. We got to wait for ten minutes in the heat, because it was oh so hot, when we then got on the bus. The night was spent at my house, drinking and playing Brawl, and a few other games. Tom had an orgasm whilst eating CC's.

This morning was awesome (do note, I mean from midnight onward), we counted down, as one does, and after Muth goes "Justin, those clothes are so last year." FUNNIEST THING EVER. Uh, after that we went out onto the street, yelled happy new year at the old folks home across the street, and with the neighbours, and ran around. There was more Brawl, and losts of conversation, drinking, and eventually sleep, at 5 in the morning, if not later.

The daybreak, so bright. More Brawl, and more chatting. I had one and a half drinks, go me.

Uh, I'm hungry.
Love.