Another night, I'm on another broken avenue.

I don't like my feelings right now, or how I view them. I'm making up feelings toward female friends of mine, just to stop feeling so damn hung up on Bethany. I don't like how I notice all the cute girls (and the occasional guy) when I don't want a relationship. I don't like the way my heart conflicts with my head, logic should outrule impulse, but it doesn't anymore.

Uh, I'm pretty hungry.
I've come to the conclusion, that I have many friends, but few at the same time. There's the friends I'll shake hands with in the corridors, hug on occasion, or talk with if they bring up a conversation, and the friends which I like to spend time with, can talk for hours on end about nothing with, and just smile around them. There are the friends I like, and the friends I love. There are only three people left at Underdale, which are the friends I love. I won't name anyone, but, you'll know who you are.

The past few days, have been wierd, nothing's really changed though.

I need a shave.
Twenty-four hours until this piss bucked of a year is gone. Let's have some bad memories go with it.

Love.

I've given up on the entire human race.

Empty, is the sky before the sun wakes up.
Empty, is the eyes of animals in cages.
Empty, the eyes of women in mourning, and everything has been taken from them.
Me?
Don't ask me about empty.

You make me happy.

Today, I worked out that there are four things which make me happy:
-Music
-Gaming
-Friends
-What I keep in my wallet.

The first three are simple, but the fourth requires futher explination.
In my wallet, I keep a letter. I recieved this letter among other letters and cards I got when I left Underdale (only to return three days later). The card I got, was signed by a majority of my friends, telling me I'd be well missed, along with memories of the times I had with certain people. Two of the letters were telling me that the sender would miss me, and I shouldn't leave. The third, was special.

The third letter, told how the sender was happy for me, that I was changing schools, and how they'll miss me. It also told how much I've made a positive impact on this persons life, and how I've made them a better person. It told how I'm not the horrid person I see myself as, but a warm, kind person. It also told how I'm this persons best friend. When ever I feel the bulge in my wallet, touch the paper, or read it, I smile. It doesn't matter how I'm feeling, I'll smile.

I love you, Lilly-Ellen Glover-Brown.

Rooibos, Tea & Guarana

Christmas.
A time for loving.
A time for family.
A time for friends.
A time, which no longer holds it's true meaning.

Who remembers what Christmas is really about?
It's a religious holiday, celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ, which has been turned into a media circus, a sales pitch.

For me, it's a time to remember, remembering the better days, back when everything meant nothing, but everything at the same time, a time where my parents were still together.
A time I've missed, and the time since, I've loathed.
It's also a time for friends.

I don't like Christmas, it's my own feeling toward it.
Don't abuse me for it, like some have.


Love.

Who I am hates who I used to be.

This week, whilst Brawling, I've come to the conclusion that there is no God. The past week, just about everything has fallen apart. I'm anti social, breaking down more frequently, and worse, depressed, and constantly feeling nausious, I have anxiety to thank for that.

If you've read my blogs since Friday the eighteenth, you'd have an accurate idea of what's making me destroy myself like this. But, deeper revelations have come to the surface.

While my auntie was comforting Daniel after Jeff yelled at him for twenty minutes over nothing, Jeff walked off, and told Rachel that night that "Chrissy was inappropriately touching Daniel on the inner thigh." Rachel believed this. Last night, my aunt called Rachel to try to apologize, so she could have the relationship with her sister back. Instead, Rachel calls her a pedophile, and a fight breaks out. My auntie tries to tell Rachel what happened, hangs up the phone after Rachel doesn't believe her, and my aunt is in a worse state than before.

Funnily, I'm going to collect more things from Rachels now. Thankfully, Hannah and Muth are coming, so I don't do anything I'll regret.

Anyway, back to the no God topic.
There's no God. God wouldn't let humanity suffer as my aunt and I have. God wouldn't send his son down to Earth, with humanity. No man would put their son through that.

I'm in town, time for breakfast.
Love.

You thought the price of your life was devout.

Things in the world of Justin are looking up. I've got organge juice, mi goreng, Dance Gavin Dance playing through the stereo. The only thing I'm really down about, is Christmas, and what happened yesterday.

In short, Shitmas sucks. Sure, I've only got to buy a couple more presents, but it's still fucked up. I haven't enjoied it in over a decade, and more than likely, will never enjoy it again.

Fuck, from what I heard, the reception for the vial union (the wedding of Rachel and Jeff), was pretty shit. Daniel, was skipping, and throwing darts at cheese on the ground, so Jeff decides to yell at him, stating that if he skips, he'll get beaten, and that Jeff's the man of the house, and all this pretencious bullshit. My auntie notices this, and sticks up for Daniel saying that Jeff isn't his father, and he should back off because she won't let her nephew be spoken to like that, so Jeff goes off in a shit, and then Rachel arrives. She has this massive go at my aunt for doing the right thing, while my aunt tries to explain the situation to her. Instead, Rachel exclaims that Jeff's her husband, and "they're my boys" (clearly she hasn't noticed that she's lost me, and more than likely, Daniel too), slaps my aunt, and tells her to leave.
Now, according to what my auntie heard, after the reception, Rachel and Jeff got in an argument, and the rings came off. Jeff stated that he's going back to the mother of his child, because his son needs a father. This makes me wonder, what makes him think, that he can be a father? Being a parent isn't meerly impregnating the woman, or giving birth to the child, it's being there for the child through everything they struggle with, providing for that child, and being a rolemodel (which is why I don't have parents). Jeff's walked out on his son once, and the way he regarded Daniel and myself, in my opinion, deems him unfit to be a father, so he's going back to his 8 month old. Nice Jeff, nice.

Everything else is going well, even, kind of, the whole Bethany thing. I'm doing well. Everything else is a dandy distraction, and friends keep me occupied.

Uh, I bought Brawl yesterday. I'd like to play it now, but Chrissy's watching a movie.

Who's doing nothing for Christmas, lemme know, yeah?
Love.

Hat

That's all I have type in the contact box, in order to choose to send Bethany a message.

I'm doing well with the aftermath, but not the best I could be. I'm checking every time I hear a bleep, to see if it's her logging on. I'm looking at her blog every hour or two. I'm constantly thinking of her. I'm strugling.
I think I'm creepy now.

Sure, there are reasons why I think we failed. I rushed things with her, I showed her too much of who I try not to be, I started acting like her friends, we began to drift. All this set aside, I still tried to make things work.
Please let me know what happened, so I can improve on the meatbag I am, kay?

Anyway, that's kind of off my chest, I'm feeling a little lighter. Let's get into other issues, and happenings in my life.
Shitmas, five/six days away. I'm hoping to do something with drifter kids, who see Shitmas in a similar light as myself.
Even worse, is Rachels wedding, just a day away. Sure, she's happy, and probably shaking in her booties about it all, but it's making me sick. I'm kind of thankful I got kicked out when I did, so thank you, meatbag-whore. I would have left the second you set a date, you saved me the trouble of waiting, you filthy ho-bag.

Uh, I'm getting back into my bass, kind of. I'm not playing it on a regular basis or anything, just as a release. I'm considering buying an accoustic.

One last thing, I'd like to thank Kieran Weinart, Hannah Templeton, Matthew Muth and Sam Williams for being there for me, over the past two days. Things could have been worse if you guys weren't there for me, even though I did want to be alone.
Love.

Wrecked 'em? Damn, nearly killed 'em!

For all the people who don't know that there are things I do hate (the people who call themselves my parents, people tellingg me everything will be alright, people who ask me what's wrong, etc.), this is for you.

Today.
18-12-2009
Three days until the wedding.
A week until Shitmas.

First, so I don't seem depressed, even if I am, the positives of today:
-Today is International Be-Mean-To-Hannah day.
-Hannah bought me a ticket to see Avatar in 3D, it hurt my eyes, but was good none the less.
-I told Rachel to "Fuck right off." I was surprised not to recieve an abusive message in response.

Now, naturally, the downsides, each of which I need to put into explicit detail to make myself feel better.
-I woke up.
-I got dumped.
-I recieved a text from Rachel.
-I've grown sick of a certain friend.
There may be fewer downsides, but the meaning and effect they had on me, outweighs the positives of my day, meaning I had a bad day.

Now kids, let us go into explicit detail.

Waking up:
Who likes waking up, to a day where you know something bad will take place? I sure don't. Waking up, and going out within an hour, whilst you know something bad will happen is worse.

Getting Dumped:
Naturally, no one wants to be alone. I agree with this assumption, beside the fact that when I'm peaking, I'm better off alone. Last night, Bethany actually asked me to come to town, so she could see me, really quickly. She didn't say why, but I knew, that she knew, that I knew exactly why. Even though it was inevitable, and timestamped, I wanted to try and sort things out, and try to make this relationship work. However, this didn't go according to plan, it were as though her mind were made, and there was no changing it, so I decided to leave it be.
The worst part of it all though, she said she still wanted to be friends. I'm glad she did, but, it does cut me up a bit though. I never have liked it when people mutter those hurtful words.
I've worked out, never to let anyone know who I really am. Sure, I could change who I am, but I'd rather retain myself, and who I am. I'm not a fan of myself, but I'm comfortable enough with who I am to work on who I am, naturally, not by force.

Telling Rachel to "Fuck Right Off":
(A Rachel Rant)
It did improve my mood a tiny bit, after the main event of the above statement. She decided to text me, telling me that I may get messages saying my bill is overdue. I wasn't, but it felt fitting to tell her to fuck off. Maybe, she doesn't understand that, after all of this, she deserves to lose me all together. She's pushed me away that much, but she keeps trying to redeem herself. It's never going to work. She has fucked herself over continuously, ever since Jeff came into her life. She's pushing Daniel away just as much. She will never, ever learn.
Thankyfully, I've learnt that none of my family really aprove of this union. My grandfather is probably the only person who feels as much for it as I do. None of my family is staying for the reception. I don't blame them.
(End rant)

Growing sick of a certain friend:
Who read my blog yesterday? Well, that friend who remained nameless, this is about him to. It's Chris. Yes, you, Chris Guy Rocky Zeno Siclari.
He complains he has nothing to do, noone invites him out, no one does anything with him. Fuck you.
Today, he was meant to come see Avatar, Hannah and I knew he wouldn't show up, but we hoped he would. The other night with the all-nighter, he wanted someone to keep him company, I said I would, but then he says "uhh, mum said no" and stuff, whilst on his blog he said "No one could."
There's always an excuse.
He also complained that Gemma ditched him the other day (Wednesday), but he's forgetting that she does have other friends. I actually tried to get Chris to come to town, with Ella and myself, not knowing that Gemma was coming too. If Chris wanted to see her, he could have come too! Fuck. Uh, that's the end of this rant.
Chris, at least put in the effort to redeem yourself. I fucking love you.

I feel like Mi Goreng.
I might be in town tonight.
Love.

Justice.

Such a wonderful day today!

It all began, with me going to Centerlink to inform them that I've quit my job. Apparently, I was never employed, so now I have to bring in payslips and everything, and I already have, and, urgh >____<
It turned out to be one fucking stupid detour.

Uh, then I was to rendevous with Kieran in town, for a Chilled Day, his early Christmas present to me, or something. I wasn't meant to meet with him until 11:00am, and I was in town from 10:30 onwards, so I went to sit in my secret spot for a bit, before I decided to be at the trainstation to meet Kieran twenty minutes ahead of schedule. Go good planning!

So, after meeting with Kieran, we went to go indulge in a caffeinated orgasm (marshmellows of happiness and sugar of cyanide), also known as a marble mocha. So amazing! Well, we sat, and drank, and chatted, and laughed, and then we went to Rush, to play an hour of CoD4:MW because neither Rush or Hive have MW2 multiplayer yet, and, yeaaaah, I got owned, but still fun!

Hannah met up with us, and they we met up with Kitti, and I was all like "uh" originally, but then I didn't care, and we went walkies and stuff, and, we had fun etc. Hannah bought me Afro Samurai! Laaaaave!

Hannah and Kieran came back to my place, and watched a bit of Afro Samurai (four episodes out of five) and then they left. While I was waiting for Kieran and Hannah for the 145, Hannah walked off to catch the 100, so Kieran and I called her a bitch, and it was fun :3

Uh, nothing's really happened since. My emotions are at bay, so maybe I can actually start to work myself out before they attack. I'm not exactly sure what's going on anymore. It's all going so fast.

Uh, time for a rant, but not about Rachel. About a certain friend actually.
One friend of mine, who will remain nameless, is a killjoy. They are invited to certain outings, but never do show up, or say they can't, or just wasn't invited. There's time's where they'll want someone to do something, or come over, and I'll offer myself, but then they're telling me I can't, then they say no one could. It's all fucked up. "I'm so bored, no one invites me to anything." We fucking do, they just decide to ignore us.

I'm going to have a shower, there's nothing else to say.
Love.

What a waste I am,

Let's give this blogging via e-mail thing a try. It's probably easier than going through the site, and using that little box.

Uh, first thing first, my past two days. Yesterday was so fucking horrible, I spent it alone, and that did tear me up a little bit. I've found that while I'm alone, my emotions attack themselves, and that puts me through a state which I call "Ruin," for whilst I'm in this state, I'm a wreck. I mope, I contemplate suicide, I just sit there, reflecting on what a horrible creature I've become, I die inside, but I can never cry. Sure, I made three more Stormtroopers, but it's only a short ammount of time with which I can distract myself. I'm actually begging, don't let me be alone for a whole day, I don't want to lose who I am anymore.

Today, was alright. The original plan was rendevous in town at eleven am, then head to the beach, but things changed. The rendevous time was postponed until twelve pm (which I only found out at eleven, when I was already in town), and instead of the beach, the plan was to stay in town. Imagine, a crowded city, for roughly six hours, in 40 degree heat. Not pretty! All that aside, the company was lovely. Hannah, Ella and Gemma do keep me from my "Ruin", for which, I love them.

Five days until the wedding. According to my aunt, Rachel (I think I'll just start refering to my parents by their first names. Their pretty fucking hopeless) refers to her partner as "Mr. Right Now", so that lets me wonder, why is she spending thousands of dollars, she supposidly doesn't have, on marrying some shmuck, knowing full well it's making Daniel and myself miserable, when she could be trying to make things right with us? She always said Daniel and I were the most important things to her, but she's contradicting herself. She doesn't care about my wellbeing, she doesn't give a flying fuck that I'm not emotionally stable, infact she's convinced herself that I'm not. Fuck you wishful thinking. Rachel can just fuck right off. I have no mother.

Well, uh, I've just basically said everything that's on my mind, that I can word, or that needed to be said.
Love.

No, I believe there's nothing, part II.

My auntie's watching Malcolm in the Middle, let's try and finish this blog.

The recovery from last night will never end, and it will be painful. I will need support, and stuff, but with the choices I make, everyone will leave me, and I'll wither alone.

The aftermath, was a positive. The night was spent with Bethany, Emma, Kieran, Muth, Olivia, Patrick and Rachael a majority of the time. Now I've learnt I can never, ever be alone.

Today, the day was spent majorly with Tom, Kym, Emma, and Rachael. It was, the Ultimare Picnic Of Ultimate Destiny, which basically turned into a house party anyway. Tom, Kym, Emma, Rachael and myself sat around in the ditch, then went to Jono's, played some pool, and left for town.
In town, we were to rendevous with Debbie, Kieran, Muth and Markus. We walked around town, and escorted Tom to get iced tea and Subway.

I can't do this anymore.
I love you.

No, I believe there's nothing, Part I

Last night, as my previous blog stated, was the night of the Super Brothers Smash Brawl party, hosted once again by Debbie.

Everything was going fine, but then I recieve a text message. This message read "I don't think we should talk anymore," and was sent by, someone I consider one of my best friends, but now I'm not sure. My night went was pretty whacked after that. Thankfully, she sent the text while I was in the company of some of my closest fiends,, kind faces, and Bethany, or I might not be typing this right now.

Post anxiety attack, great. I'm going to go watch some Clone High, I'll finish this later.

Problem Officer?

I do enjoy catching buses.
I'm currently sitting on the J2G, to go pick up Bethany from her place of occupation, Angus & Robbinson. There's the biggest metrosexual on the bus, Patrick knows who I'm refering to.

Tonight, is Brawl Party: Round II, hosted once again, at Debbies house. This will consist of some Super Smash Brothers BRAWL, some drinking, some pasta, and shitty cartoons the following morning. Tomorrow, is The Ultimate Picnic Of Ultimate Destiny, organised by Jono, and located at Linear Park. This whole unemployment thing does leave me open to be social.

Life with Grandma is going pretty good. Music constantly, Big O and Skins, and a score of movies to watch, and a constant supply of Doritos and salsa.

Things are only going to get worse with mum from now. Her wedding to the monstrosity known as Jeff is eight days away, and there's no chance of me going back there anytime soon. I hear her voice, I rage, breakdown, and die inside. Last time I heard Jeffs, I wanted to take my own life. Ever since Jeff came into her life, it's been asthough my brother, Daniel, and I cease to exist. Sure, I've basically raised myself anyway, but she's tried to provide for Daniel and myself.

Christmas, worst time of the year. It's over commercialized, it's family orrientated, it's a time for one massive sales pitch. The meanung of Christmas is lost, what happened to Prayer, Birth of Christ, and all that jazz? It's turned into a circus. The religiously devout still remember Christmas as it's meant to be, but no one else does. The message of giving to those you love, and being with those closest to you, is still there, just not so much as what it used to be. I haven't has a good Christmas since before Dad left, and now I've got no parents, I'm spending this one alone.

That's my rant for the day.
Love.

The lullaby of carbon monoxide.

Second blog for the day, go me. I'm sitting on the bus home, with the most sexy wrapping paper, and most appealing christmas cards ever.

The bus ride home, on average, takes fifteen to twenty minutes from town, and then a five to seven minute walk from the bus stop home. Times like these I wish I had an iPod, or something with a greater memory than 4GB.

I'm tired, I'm hungry, and I haven't had Mi Goreng in over a week. I'm either going to:
>Rresume the construction of my Stormtroopers, as I gave up on my Golem due to the inneficency of glue sticks on something which isn't fold, slot and stick, I hate running out of tube glue.
>Watch Skins, Big O, or some movies.
>Walk Dolce and shower.
I can't decide, fuck me and my inability to make desicions.

I need to talk to Debbie later tonight, to grab her adress, and Muth later about driving to Debbies for tomorrow nights Brawl, and The Ultimate Picnic of Ultimate Destiny monday.

That's enough of a blog for one bus trip, sure does save time! Time to discretly listen to music, as though I were in a call, without speaking.
Love!

Love, all of the time.

I just got called a "Holiday Scene" by two hXc scene girls (who were pretty ugly, so not all scene girls are hot), and it made me think about who I really am.
I am Justin Free Williams. I'm a tyrant to those I love, and a beacon for the emotionally unsound. I'm a bassist who plays for Break The Dawn. I'm a /b/tard. I'm a music lover. I'm a papercrafter. I'm a colour-lover. I'm an anime lover. I'm a gamer. I'm not a fighter. I'm a friend, a son, a nephew,na grand child, a great grand child, a lover. Most importantly, I'm myself.

If being myself makes me a "Holiday Scene", a "Nerd Scene" or any other shitty stereotype, I'm not going to contest it, because I am who I am.

It just clicked, all three blogs are about who I am.

Uh, Christmas around the corner, kill me. I've been unemployed since Tuesday, so I'm free all the time. I feel like drinking, but I don't, I don't know anymore.

Time to eat.
Love.

"Open teh YouTube" says Joe.

Uh, I forgot completely about Blogspot/Blogger, but now since I'm not a MySpace kid anymore, here I am. Stuff's changed, so here's a list of the many changes:

●I live with my grandmother, in the east of Adelaide.

●I'm unemployed, for the moment, but receiving youth allowance.

●I have an amazing girlfriend. Her name, is Bethany.

●I'm probably a little more emo since I last posted (two months or so ago), but, fuck it.

Uh, twenty minutes until pizza!

I'm tired, and I need to pee.

Love!